Our important relationships can suffer when we avoid difficult truth-telling conversations. When we’re experiencing pain and discomfort in a relationship, an honest conversation about the problem can be a good first step towards positive change in the relationship. Initiating such a conversation can be challenging though, especially with someone who is easily threatened or irresponsible.
Sometimes, when we’ve been hurt in the past or when our previous attempts at truth-telling conversations have failed, we begin to avoid such conversations altogether. The very idea of “facing into” a conversation with someone about their bad attitude or bad behavior stirs up our fears:
Will I lose the relationship?
Will I hurt the other person’s feelings?
Will I be seen as unloving or unkind?
Will I become the object of someone’s rage?
Will I do more harm than good?
In their excellent book, How to Have That Difficult Conversation You’ve Been Avoiding, Dr Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend point out that having a difficult truth-telling conversation is not adversarial, but one of the most loving things we can do. Such conversations can preserve love and clarity in our relationships, empower us to solve problems, facilitate growth, and help us avoid being part of the problem.
I’m currently in the process of preparing for a truth-telling conversation I know it’s time for me to have with one of the important people in my life. Since I really want to be more connected to this person and am concerned about how the conversation will go, I re-visited Cloud and Townsend’s book and decided to use it as a guide. I found the twelve essential ingredients of a good conversation suggested in Part 2 of their book to be particularly helpful. Here’s a quick summary of the recipe:
Twelve Essential Ingredients Of A Good Conversation
1. Be emotionally present
It’s very important to stay connected to the person you are having the conversation with. “Be there” for the other person in the same way you want them to be there for you. Be warm and remember to listen closely to the viewpoint of the other person even if you don’t agree.
2. Be clear about “You” and “I”
Make sure to distinguish your feelings and opinions from the other person’s when having the talk. You are not the same person! You each have your own feelings and perceptions. Take some time before the conversation to get clear on what you want in the relationship and what you are asking the other person to do. Don’t be afraid to say “I need” or “I want”.
3. Clarify the problem
Be clear about what you see as the problem and how it affects you and the relationship. Then be prepared to say what specific changes you are hoping to see. If the other person is interested in change, this can provide them with a “road-map” for going forward.
4. Balance grace and truth
Remember to balance the truth of what you want to say with grace, or love. It can be helpful to start with grace because it can help the other person feel safe and tolerate the truth of what you want to share. Example: “I really care about my relationship with you and want us to be more connected…….I hope you’ll be able to sense that when I share my concerns with you”. If the other person becomes defensive, it is probably a good idea to “back off” of the truth for awhile, re-establish the connection with grace and try again later.
5. Stay on task
Be prepared that the other person may become resistive or defensive. If they counter with strong feelings about a point of their own (you may have offended them or contributed to the problem too), hear them out “to a point”. After listening and empathizing with their point, try to get back on task about what you want to communicate.
6. Use the formula, When You Do “A”, I Feel “B”
It’s important to show the other person how what they do affects your emotions. Be clear about the feelings you have, rather than the thoughts you think. This can be tricky and may take some practice, because it’s easy to use the word feel“and then say a thought: “When you negate my words, I feel like I shouldn’t say anything.” It would be better to say, “When you negate my words, I feel hurt and disconnected from you.” Also, remember never to say, “You make me feel!” Our feelings are our own response to the behaviors of another person.
7. Affirm and Validate
Always affirm and validate the person you are having the conversation with. It is important for them to know that you value them and that you are “for” rather than “against” them.
8. Apologize for your part in the problem
If you are aware of ways you have failed the other person, always apologize before you confront.
9. Avoid “Shoulds
The word “should” tends to sound parental and judgmental to people. Most people don’t respond well to this word, so try not to use it. Instead of “You should have called me to tell me you were going to be late”, say “It would have helped me if you would have called when you knew you were going to be late.”
10. Be an agent for change
Don’t initiate difficult conversations to dump on a person or just to clear the air or “wipe the slate clean”. Instead, initiate them with intentions to help the other person be at their best and to help the relationship improve.
11. Be specific
Avoid sweeping, global complaints about the other person, like “You never communicate to me” or “You are so irresponsible.” Instead, provide specifics about the problem and what specific things the other person can begin to do differently.
12. Differentiate between forgiving and trusting
Remember that forgiveness has to do with the past, and that trusting has to do with the future. You can forgive someone for the past, and then decide if the person is trustworthy enough for you to open yourself again and to risk having a future close relationship.
Is there a difficult conversation you’ve been avoiding in your life? What stops you from “facing into” it?