Trouble Communicating

Do you ever have trouble communicating? Discover that what you say and what people actually hear are not the same thing? I certainly do!  Making ourselves understood isn’t always easy. Fortunately, there are numerous things we can do to sharpen our communication skills and improve how we are heard.

Last week, while spending time with my seven young grandchildren,  I witnessed my five-year-old granddaughter having trouble getting her point across to one of her cousins. Her little voice got louder and louder as she attempted to be heard and understood. It didn’t work for her.  One of her parents had to step in, ask her to lower her voice and help her try to figure out how to communicate properly.

When we fail to communicate clearly, misunderstandings often result. These misunderstandings can create significant distress in our lives. As L.M. Montgomery once said, “Most of the trouble in life comes from misunderstanding – it’s dreadful what little things lead people to misunderstand each other”.

There are at least four things you can do to communicate more clearly and improve your chances of being heard:

• You can take time to quiet yourself before communicating something you feel is important.
• You can check in with others to make sure you were understood correctly.
• You can pay attention to emotional cues like your body language, tone of voice, facial expression and eye contact.
• You can practice by checking in frequently with someone you know will provide honest feedback about how your messages are coming across.

The exercise below, developed by Dr. John Gottman, will help you sharpen your communication skills. It will help you tune into your tone of voice, your facial expression, your body language and other non-verbal cues, and avoid the consequences of unnecessary misunderstandings. Dr. John Gottman is a widely recognized relationship expert and co-founder/co-director of The Gottman Institute . This exercise was designed for the workplace, but could easily be adapted to your life outside of the workplace. Have fun with it!

Exercise: The Emotional Communication Game with Coworkers
To play the game, silently read each item and its three available interpretations. Then take turns reading the items aloud, as the other person tries to guess which of the three meanings you are trying to convey.

1. Did you get it done?
a) You’re pleasantly surprised that the task seems to be finally completed.
b) You’re worried that your colleague didn’t do what he or she promised to do.
c) You’re just asking for information.

2. Are you going to the staff retreat?
a) You’re not sure if you’re going to go and are trying to decide.
b) You think your colleague should go and not be so isolated from other people at work.
c) You’re simply asking for information.

3. I completed seven units yesterday by myself.
a) You’re proud of the amount of work you’ve accomplished on your own and you’d like to be acknowledged.
b) You’re angry that you didn’t get more help from your coworker.
c) You’re not feeling one way or another about the workload; you’re just giving a tally of what you accomplished.

4. Who’s going to take responsibility for this project?
a) You’re tired of taking the lead on projects you do together, and you want your colleague to do it for a change.
b) You’re just asking for information about whose turn it is.
c) Your colleague just naturally takes over. But this time you’d like to have a chance to show what you can do when you’re in charge.

5. What should we do about including Jane on this project?
a) The two of you want to do the project alone together without having to think about the composition of the work team.
b) Jane is not very competent and is dragging down your team’s performance.
c) Jane would be a real asset, and you’d very much like to have her on the team.

Challenge: Apply your understanding from this exercise at least 2 more times today. And tomorrow. And the next day too!