Negative self-talk can make it difficult for us to move forward in our lives. When we listen to our negative messages and believe them, we can end up sabotaging ourselves.
“You aren’t working hard enough.”
“You should be further along in your career.”
“You aren’t smart enough, attractive enough, wealthy enough, experienced enough, old enough……..you’re not enough!”
“You’re too introverted, too extroverted, too aggressive……you’re too much!”
Such messages, called “Saboteur Voices” in the coaching world, are often the result of our unrealistic shoulds. When we don’t measure up to these shoulds, we often find ourselves feeling guilty and disappointed. We tend to scold ourselves with should haves.
Did you know the word should is actually rooted in an Anglo-Saxon word for SCOLD?
Psychologist Aaron Beck lists ten typical unrealistic shoulds. If you’re at all like me, you will find yourself quite familiar with many of these:
- I should be the utmost of generosity, considerateness, dignity, courage, unselfishness.
- I should be the perfect lover, friend, parent, teacher, student, spouse.
- I should be able to endure any hardship with equaniminty.
- I should be able to find a quick solution to every problem.
- I should never feel hurt; I should always be happy and serene.
- I should know, understand and foresee everything.
- I should always be spontaneous; I should always control my feelings.
- I should always assert myself; I should never hurt anybody else.
- I should never be tired or get sick.
- I should always be at peak efficiency.
What kind of person could ever measure up to this yardstick? Can you see how many negative voices could result from believing these shoulds are legitimate? When we carry such shoulds we are setting ourselves up for disappointment and frustration, and will often be afraid to move forward in our lives. Instead, we allow negative self-talk and self-defeating thinking to rule the day.
What do we do with our unrealistic shoulds? Do we allow them to be our yardstick?
No! We CHALLENGE them! We replace them with expectations that are more realistic. For example, #9 on the list above: “I should never be tired or get sick.” This statement can be challenged and replaced with something like this: “There will be times when I will be tired or get sick; when I’m tired or sick it is important to respect my needs for rest and self-care.”
What is one unrealistic should you struggle with? What could you replace it with that would be more realistic?