There is nothing that cannot be forgiven, and there is no one undeserving of forgiveness. When you can see that we are all bound to one another—whether by birth, by circumstance, or simply by our shared humanity—then you will know this to be true. (Desmond Tutu and Mpho Tutu)
When you think of your physical, emotional and spiritual well-being, what one word comes to mind? In their book, The Book of Forgiving; The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and Our World, Archbishop Desmond Tutu and his daughter, the Reverend Mpho Tutu see forgiveness as key. “With each act of forgiveness whether small or great, we move toward wholeness. Forgiveness is nothing less than how we bring peace to ourselves and our world.” (Desmond and Mpho Tutu)
The authors of this book are no strangers to human suffering. Archbishop Tutu, Nobel Peace Prize winner, Chair of The Elders, and Chair of South Africa’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission has witnessed some of the worst crimes people can inflict on others. The Reverend Mpho Tutu, an Anglican priest, has helped many parishioners in their search for healing and forgiveness, and has struggled herself to make sense of and forgive a violent crime that happened in her own home. Together they hold great wisdom about the process of forgiving—what it is, what it is not, how it works, and why granting forgiveness is the greatest gift we can give ourselves when we have been wronged.
Most of us have not experienced or witnessed such horrific human atrocities as Archbishop Tutu and his daughter have. Yet there are times when each and every one of us is hurt by others or even ourselves. Physical violence is an obvious wrong, but emotional wounds like rejection, betrayal, exclusion and humiliation can hurt just as deeply. Anything that assaults our human dignity can injure us. What we choose to do with these injuries can make all the difference to our physical, emotional and spiritual well-being.
Archbishop Tutu writes:
“To forgive is not just to be altruistic. It is the best form of self-interest. It is also a process that does not exclude hatred and anger. These emotions are all part of being human. You should never hate yourself for hating others who do terrible things: The depth of your love is shown by the extent of your anger.
However, when I talk of forgiveness, I mean the belief that you can come out the other side a better person. A better person than the one being consumed by anger and hatred. Remaining in that state locks you in a state of victimhood, making you almost dependent on the perpetrator. If you can find it in yourself to forgive, then you are no longer chained to the perpetrator. You can move on, and you can even help the perpetrator to become a better person too. “
A growing number of empirical studies are supporting what the Tutu’s are saying about the life-giving benefits of forgiveness. The studies are showing that forgiveness positively correlates with overall well-being. The reverse is also true—that failure to forgive can be a risk factor for ailments such as anxiety, depression, insomnia, heart issues, high blood pressure, ulcers, migraines, backaches and even cancer. Whenever we allow anger and resentment to fester, we remain tethered to the person who hurt us and open ourselves to harm.
The Book of Forgiving outlines a forgiveness practice that I think is very powerful. This practice, called “The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and Our World” includes telling the story, naming the hurt, granting forgiveness and renewing or releasing the relationship. Whether we or our family members have been hurt by violence, by intimate betrayal, by rejection, or simply by unkind words or thoughtlessness of others, The Fourfold Path can help us heal. It can help us cultivate forgiveness like any other good quality–compassion, kindness or generosity– as a way of life in our everyday interactions with others.
Chapter summaries from The Book of Forgiving briefly describe each part of the Fourfold Path below:
Telling The Story
Speak the truth.
Start with the facts.
Tell your story first to a friend, loved one, or trusted person.
Consider telling the story to the person who harmed you, or writing a letter.
Accept that whatever happened cannot be changed or undone.
Naming The Hurt
Identify the feelings within the facts.
Remember, no feeling is wrong, bad or invalid.
Recognize the stages of grief, and honor wherever you fall in the process.
Find someone who will acknowledge you and listen to your feelings without trying to fix them.
Accept your own vulnerability.
Move forward when you are ready.
Granting Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a choice.
We grow through forgiving.
Forgiving is how we move from victim to hero in our story.
We know we are healing when we are able to tell a new story.
Renewing or Releasing The Relationship
The preference is always to renew unless there is a question of safety.
Ask for what you need from the perpetrator in order to renew or release the relationship.
You may need an apology, an explanation, a tangible object, or never to see that person again.
Look at your part in any conflict.
When you renew a relationship, it is stronger for what you have been through, but it is always different.
By renewing or releasing a relationship you free yourself from victimhood and trauma.
If you would like to learn more about this forgiveness practice, you can order The Book of Forgiving here. It is an excellent resource–easy to read, full of stories, examples and many practical exercises and rituals.
In what ways might forgiveness be key to your physical, emotional and spiritual well-being?
Is there someone in your past or present life you need to forgive?
Note: This post has focused on granting forgiveness to others who have harmed us. More coming soon, on seeking forgiveness from those we have harmed.