Hard To Take

Criticism and blame can be hard to take, especially when we feel wrongly attacked, or unfairly picked on. When we’re on the receiving end,  it’s easy to get defensive and feel like striking back.

Even when we feel like striking back, we can choose to respond in ways that will deescalate rather than intensify the tension. We can listen differently. We can apologize for the part of the criticism that we can understand or agree with. We can clarify our own position– which parts of the criticism we think are unfair or wrong, without attacking the other person in the process. Such responses can help us stay connected to the other person without compromising or backing down from our own perspective of the situation at hand.

In her book, The Dance of Connection, Dr. Harriet Lerner suggests ten things to remember when we find ourselves the target of criticism. I think the tips she offers are helpful and wise:

Ten Do’s and Don’ts

• Listen attentively to the person who is criticizing you without planning your reply. Don’t be afraid to set limits though, like “It’s hard for me to have this conversation right now, I’d like to wait for a different time,” or “I can’t listen to you when you yell or call me names.”
• Ask questions about whatever you don’t understand, especially questions that help put the conflict into a larger context, like “What else is happening in your life that might be stressful?”
• Avoid getting defensive. Don’t listen in order to argue or refute. Instead, listen for the piece of criticism you can agree with, even if it’s embedded in exaggerations and inaccuracies.
• Apologize for that piece first.
• Never criticize a person who is criticizing you. There may be a time to bring up your own grievances, but that time is not when the other person has taken the initiative to voice her own complaints.
• Stay calm. Underreact and take a low-key approach when dealing with the other person. Anxiety and intensity are the driving forces behind dysfunctional patterns.
• State your differences. (“Here’s the piece I don’t agree with….”) only after you can do so without criticizing, blaming, or putting down the criticizer.
• Stop a nonproductive conversation that is occurring at your own expense. It’s fine to say, “I need a little time to think about what you’re saying. Let’s set up another time to discuss it.” Or, “I feel diminished when you talk to me this way. It hurts my feelings.” Or, “I need you to bring up just one criticism at a time. When you start bringing up the past or list one thing after another, I shut down and can’t listen.”
• Speak to the really important issues–and let the rest go.
• When you’re in the grip of strong emotions, remember this reversal of an old maxim: “Don’t just do something. Stand there!”

With practice, we can learn to be with criticism and blame in new ways. We can become someone who listens differently, someone who apologizes where needed, someone who can define differences without attacking or blaming in the process.

Which two of these ten tips will likely be most challenging for you? Try practicing these tips the next time you are feeling unjustly criticized.  See what happens!