“How are you?” No, not the social question, but a genuine “How are you? For real.
This question, “How are you?” can be challenging to answer for real because we are not used to focusing on who we are, who we are being at any given moment. We are much more accustomed to focusing on and describing what we are doing. ‘
I believe it is important to distinguish between what we are doing ( the “what”, the action) and who we are being (the “how” we are experiencing whatever is happening). One of my colleagues put it this way:
Doing is what I would see if I watched you from afar on a video camera. It only describes what is visible without interpretation or nuance. Being, however, points to the sensing, feeling, thinking aspects of who you are, that are not evident by simply observing you as an object doing something. There is a being that I cannot see on the camera that influences your doing, and creates an experience of your life.
A few examples might help illustrate the difference:
You are washing the dishes (doing).
Who you are being while doing the dishes might be, “pissed off, resentful, put-upon, irritated.”
Or who you are being might be “at peace”, present, grateful, relaxed.”
You are making love with your husband or wife (doing).
Who you are being might be “receptive, loving, generous, alive, connected”.
Or who you are being might be “separate, afraid, resigned, uncomfortable.”
You are having a conversation with a colleague (doing).
Who you are being might be “fearful, inauthentic, desperate.”
Or who you are being might be “curious, alive, hopeful, connected.”
Can you see the difference? Try answering the question again.
“How are you? At this moment. For real.
Are you “trying to understand” ? “Trying to measure up”? “Hoping something exciting will happen” ? “Convinced that the worst will happen”? “Curious”? “Open”? “Impatient”? “Irritated”? What’s true for you?
When we are able to distinguish our doing from our way of being in the world, we have an opportunity to consciously choose how/who we want to be. We can play an active role in creating our experience.
Here are some questions that can help you tune into how you are, who you are being:
What qualities am I currently displaying?
What values am I currently honoring?
Am I living from love and intelligence or simply reacting to circumstances?
What is my internal experience? Is it one of joy, passion, inspiration and trust, or one of anxiety, fear, and desire for control?
Next time someone asks you, “How are you?”, go ahead and answer, “Fine”, but use it as an opportunity to focus inward and ask yourself: Am I being who I want to be in this moment?”
I’m planning to run the Chicago Marathon this weekend, and already know that running 26.2 miles is what I will do. Although this event is still five days away, I’m already starting to focus on who I want to be during the marathon. Because who I decide to be will make all the difference in the world.
Your so giving and that’s just one reason I love and respect you so much!! Thanks Vicki and good luck in Chicago!
How I do love the beautiful way your mind works, Vicki, its such an insightful way of thinking about “what you’re doing, or who you’re being, such a distinction between the two actions. We’ll be thinking of you while you run another Marathon soon, I hope the weather is similar to the gorgeous weather we’ve enjoyed today. It was good to be out at Johnston this afternoon, John was at Mercy in the morning, he got his flu shot yesterday, and I need to get over to Dahls or Walgreens for mine too. Thank you so much for sharing your dear comments, you are such a gift to the world, and to each of us. Love always, Doris—– and John too:-)