Trust is built one marble at a time
(Dr. Brene Brown)
How you do you know you can trust someone? How do you know you can trust yourself?
I’m pretty sure most if not all of us have struggled with trust at numerous points in our personal or professional lives. I certainly have. For example, I struggle with trusting others when I share something in confidence with a “friend”, only to later discover that this person shared my information with others. I struggle with trusting myself when I realize I have somehow (even in a small way) betrayed a loved one.
When a relationship isn’t working well, we are quick to say or think, “I just can’t trust you!” But what exactly does this mean? What is trust?
Dr. Brene Brown, shame/vulnerability/trust researcher and author of some of my favorite books (The Gifts of Imperfection, Daring Greatly, and Rising Strong) says trust is built one marble at a time during small often seemingly insignificant moments. She uses the term “marble jar friends” to describe friends who are consistently trustworthy for us one small moment at a time. “Marble jar friends are the people who over time have really done the small things that have helped us believe that they are worth our stories”. These friends, she says, are the ones who are safe to share our heart-felt joys and “hard stuff” with.
Dr. Brown describes this definition of trust by Charles Feltman as ”the most beautiful definition of trust I have ever heard”:
Trust is choosing to make something important to you vulnerable to the actions of someone else. Distrust is when what I have shared with you that is important to me, is not safe with you.
In a recent Super Soul session at UCLA called “The Anatomy of Trust”, Dr. Brown uses the acronym B.R.A.V.I.N.G. to describe the marbles, or specific ingredients of trust. When we trust someone, she says, we are braving connection with them. When we trust ourselves, we are braving love and respect for ourselves.
This B.R.A.V.I.N.G. acronym can help us move beyond a vague “I just can’t trust you” to “Here specifically, is what is not working in my relationship with you.” The B.R.A.V.I.N.G. acronym, as described by Dr. Brown, is briefly summarized below.
I know I am in a trusting relationship with you if:
BOUNDARIES: You are clear about your boundaries and hold them, and you’re clear about and respect my boundaries.
RELIABILITY: You do what you say you are going to do—not just once, but over and over again, and I do the same for you.
ACCOUNTABILITY: You’re willing to own, apologize and make amends for your mistakes, and I am allowed to do the same for my mistakes.
VAULT: You hold in confidence what I share with you and I do the same for you. This also applies to any time we gossip about others by sharing information with each other that is not ours to share. Dr. Brown calls such gossip “common enemy intimacy” and says it is impossible to develop true intimacy with someone by talking bad about other people.
INTEGRITY: You act from a place of integrity and non-judgement and encourage me to do the same. Brene says we act from a place of integrity when we 1) choose courage over comfort, 2) choose what is right over what is fast, fun or easy, and 3) practice (not just profess) our values. She points out that all three aspects of integrity must be accompanied by non-judgment.
GRATITUDE: You assume the most generous thing about my words/intentions/behaviors and check in with me when I screw up, and I am allowed to do the same for you when you screw up.
Dr. Brown closes her Super Soul session by suggesting that the B.R.A.V.I.N.G. acronym can be used as a checklist to help us determine whether or not someone is a “marble jar friend”: Do they keep good boundaries with me? Are they reliable? Are they willing to be held accountable? Are they a safe vault for my information? Are they acting with integrity and non-judgment? Are they generous with me when I make a mistake?
The B.R.A.V.I.N.G. acronym can also be used to help us learn to trust ourselves, to keep our own marble jar full: Am I keeping good boundaries? Am I reliable? Am I willing be held accountable? Am I a safe vault for the information of others? Am I acting with integrity and non-judgement towards others? Am I being generous with others when they make a mistake?
If you’re interested in learning more about how trust starts with small everyday moments click here to listen to Dr. Brene Brown’s twenty-three minute Super Soul session, “The Anatomy of Trust”. She’s funny, engaging and provides numerous helpful examples. This twenty-three minutes will be well worth your time!