Learning To Hold The Tension

“The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may be another profound truth.” (Neils Bohr-Nobel Prize-winning physicist)

We can develop personal character and become more effective in our relationships by learning to hold the tension of opposing qualities within ourselves in responsible and balanced ways. Such learning requires us to think about some (but not all) things as “both-ands” instead of “either-ors.”

For example, I can be dependent and independent in the same relationhip,  I can be sad and happy at the same time, everything can be all right and everything can be all wrong at the same time.

Parker J Palmer, a highly respected writer, teacher and activist, describes this “both-and” way of reconciling the tension of apparent opposites as holding paradox.He suggests that as we become more adept at holding paradox, we will open ourselves to new possibilities, new ways of being in the world, and our ability to extend hospitality to others will grow.

Since most of us are fairly entrenched in “either-or” thinking,  embracing paradox with it’s “both-and” thinking can take practice.  The following questions developed by David Richo in his book, Shadow Dance can help us discover where to focus our practice;

1. Can I be committed in a relationship while still remaining free?
2. Can I be angry at someone while still remaining loving towards this person?
3. Can I be aware of my faults while still remaining high in self-esteem?
4. Can I be against an idea or plan while still remaining respectful and cooperative?
5. Can I be in agreement while still remaining firm in my own conviction?
6. Can I be respectful and yielding while still remaining firm in my own beliefs?
7. Can I be a preserver of what is useful in a belief system while still remaining free to discard what no longer works for me?
8. Can I be a parent or spouse while still remaining true to a career or hobby?
9. Can I be repelled by what someone does while still remaining caring about the one who did it?
10. Can I be generous while still remaining self-nurturing?
11. Can I be emotionally involved while still remaining intellectually clear?
12. Can I be proud of someone while still remaining aware of the person’s shortcomings?
13. Can I be available for others while still remaining able to preserve time for myself?
14. Can I be flexible while still remaining true to my standards?
15. Can I be able to see the worst possibilites while still remaining hopeful?
16. Can I be able to take risks while still remaining safety conscious?
17. Can I be responsibly in control of myself while still remaining spontaneous?
18. Can I be limited in  my committment while still remaining unconditionally loving?
19. Can I be afraid while still remaining capable of acting?

In regard to the questions above, ask youself:

• Which of these opposing qualities is most difficult for me to hold?
• What might obstuct my ability to hold both qualities simultaneously?

Try practicing this particular line today and notice any insights you may have.