Life Structures Can Help

Life structures can help us reach our goals and become the person we want to be.  Life structures come in all shapes and sizes, and the number of them we can create is unlimited.

An exercise class is a life structure that helps maintain fitness.

A shopping list is a life structure that  helps ensure a shopping experience guided by needs, not wants.

A weekly housekeeper or designated “cleaning day” is a life structure that helps eliminate mess.

A menu plan is a life structure that helps maintain a healthy diet.

A bucket list is a life structure that helps dreams come true.

A coaching relationship is a life structure that helps create clarity about life purpose.

A monthly dinner party is a life structure that helps nourish relationships.

The list can go on and on.

Even a talisman can be a life structure. A picture of a lion on the cell phone wallpaper can say, “Be ferocious in pursuit of  your goals!” A large empty bowl on the kitchen counter can say, “Be present to others, with no agenda of your own.”

Any system that helps us build, arrange or organize our lives to reach our goals and become the person we want to be can be considered a life structure.

We are all different, so a system that works well for one person may not work as well for the next. It’s important to choose life structures carefully, as they are most helpful when they fit our unique personality and lifestyle.

One of my favorite life structures is a simple early morning coffee ritual my husband  and I decided to create when we got married almost 38 years years ago. Every morning, regardless of how early we have to set the alarm, we begin our day by sipping a cup of coffee together for at least a half hour. We talk about what’s going well, what isn’t going well, what we’re excited about, what we’re concerned about, etc. This simple life structure, a ritual of connection, has helped keep our communication open and our relationship very much alive.

Several years into our marriage, this morning coffee ritual inspired us to create a related life structure. My husband and I decided (over a cup of morning coffee of course!)  that whenever we’re invited to a wedding, which is often, our gift for the bride and groom would be two pottery cups and a homemade card featuring a photo of the two cups. The card would share our experience of this early morning coffee ritual and invite the new couple to create a daily ritual of connection that fit their lives. We found a potter with a studio on the outskirts of Altoona, IA who was willing to design two cups similar in color and size but different in shape, with the initial of one partner on one cup and the initial of the other partner on the other. This pottery mug life structure helps to honor and encourage newly married couples.

Now, twenty-plus weddings later, I realize that this process of  coordinating with the potter-become-friend has evolved into a life structure of it’s own–the wedding invitation arrives,  I call the potter with first names of the couple/color of clay desired, the potter calls back several weeks later when the cups are ready, and I drive to the potter’s studio whenever there is a block of free time that will allow me to chat with her and see any new art she has been making.  This process of working with the potter helps nourish my soul, as it involves a drive through peaceful Altoona countryside to the clay studio. It also helps honor a friendship that has evolved over time.

What are some of the life structures you have been using?  How are they helping you to reach your goals or become the kind of person you want to be? Are there any new life structures you want to create?

In his newest book, Triggers, world-renowned author and executive coach, Marshal Goldsmith  suggests an easy-to use idea that anyone can use to create a new life structure. He suggests 4 Active Questions (more can be added) that can be used for daily self-monitoring. When scored 1-10, with 10 being the best score, answers to these questions can be used to measure our  efforts, how much we’ve tried to be a certain kind of person. These 4 Active Questions can help us take responsibility for our efforts to improve and help us recognize when we fall short.  This process of daily self-monitoring can “trigger“As Marshal puts it, “a whole new way of interacting with our world.”

4 Active Questions

Did I do my best to be happy today?

Did I do my best to find meaning today?

Did I do  my best to build positive relationships today?

Did I do my best to be fully engaged today?

 Even when a day has been filled with difficult circumstances, a low score on trying to be happy, trying to find meaning, trying to build positive relationships or trying to be fully engaged, means we have only ourselves to hold responsible.

Goldsmith points out that these questions can be used hourly if needed– during times when we tend to forget our intentions, when we’re tired and depleted, when we have to spend time with difficult people or do things we do not enjoy.  During such times, asking the questions every hour can create a powerful structure for staying focused in the moment.

I really like the 4 Active Questions for a number of reasons:

• They help us take responsibility for ourselves.
• They help us commit to our intentions.
• They help us focus on where we need help, not where we’re doing fine.
• They help us realize that change doesn’t happen overnight.
• They help us be patient with ourselves by shrinking our objectives into manageable twenty-four-hour-increments.
• They help us close the gap between “the ideal self” and the “real self”.
• They can be adapted to include goals and character traits that are most important to us.

I’m going to try using the 4 Active Questions suggested by Marshal Goldsmith along with at least these three additional questions of my own, to forge a new life structure for myself over the next month. My three additional questions are these:

• Did I do my best to be loving today?
• Did I do my best to be compassionate today?
• Did I do my best to be fully present to every single person I encountered today?

I wonder if Marshal Goldsmith is right? Will this simple new life structure actually trigger a whole new way of interacting with the world?

Challenge: Join me! Start with the 4 Active Questions suggested by Marshal Goldsmith, and add a few of your own if you want. Then score yourself 1-10 on each question daily for the next four weeks. If you’re having a rough day, try morphing into hourly self-monitoring. See what happens!

By Vicki Vanderkwaak on June 3, 2015   /   Coaching Relationship, Family, Friendships, Spouse or Significant Other