Moving Forward–What Stops Us?

Negative self-talk can make moving forward difficult. When we listen to our negative voices and believe them, we  can end up sabotaging ourselves.

“You aren’t working hard enough!”

 “You should be further along in your career!”

 “You aren’t smart enough, attractive enough, wealthy enough, experienced enough, old enough……..you’re not enough!”

 “You’re too introverted, too extroverted, too aggressive……you’re too much!”

Negative self-talk is often the result of unrealistic shoulds that we carry. When we don’t measure up to our shoulds, they scold us. And then we punish ourselves with should haves, and find ourselves feeling guilty and disappointed.  The word should is actually rooted in an Anglo-Saxon word for SCOLD, and that’s exactly what a should does!

Psychologist Aaron Beck lists ten typical unrealistic shoulds. If you’re at all like me, you will find yourself quite familiar with many of these.

1. I should be the utmost of generosity, considerateness, dignity, courage, unselfishness.
2. I should be the perfect lover, friend, parent, teacher, student, spouse.
3. I should be able to endure any hardship with equaniminty.
4. I should be able to find a quick solution to every problem.
5. I should never feel hurt; I should always be happy and serene.
6. I should know, understand and foresee everything.
7. I should always be spontaneous; I should always control my feelings.
8. I should assert myself; I should never hurt anybody else.
9. I should never be tired or get sick.
10. I should always be at peak efficiency.

What kind of person could ever measure up to this yardstick? Can you see how many negative voices could result from believing these shoulds are legitimate? When we carry such unrealistic shoulds we are setting ourselves up for disappointment and frustration, and will often be afraid to move forward in our lives. Instead, we allow negative self-talk and self-defeating thinking to rule the day.

So what do we do with our unrealistic shoulds? Do we allow them to be our yardstick?

No! We CHALLENGE them, and tell ourselves to stop shoulding on ourselves.

 One of my biggest shoulds, probably the result of my strong work ethic upbringing, is this:  “I should always be productive”. Because I tend to believe this, giving myself permission to relax or do nothing can be a challenge. I have to consciously tell myself that it’s OK to read a novel for several hours or spend  time just tinkering in my art studio downstairs.  I need to challenge this productivtity should often, and replace it with something like this: “I don’t need to be productive all of the time.”

What is one unrealistic should you carry? What could you replace it with that would be more realistic?