When we choose people-pleasing behavior from a position of strength, we can make a positive difference in the lives of others and ourselves. When we choose people-pleasing behavior from a position of weakness however, the impact on others and on ourselves can be negative.
Living from a position of strength is possible when we realize we are inherently lovable and worthy of love. When we embrace our own worth, we can learn to love and accept ourselves exactly as we are right now, not as we wish we were or think we ought to be. From this secure vantage point, our people-pleasing behavior can stem from a sincere desire to bless others through acts of kindness and love. THIS KIND OF PEOPLE-PLEASING BEHAVIOR IS HEALTHY. It is people-pleasing at its best.
When, on the other hand, we believe we are not lovable or worthy of love , we are living from a position of weakness. From this insecure vantage point, our people-pleasing behavior is often part of our need to gain the love, approval and acceptance of others in order to be “okay”. THIS KIND OF PEOPLE-PLEASING BEHAVIOR IS UNHEALTHY.
In mid-January I boarded a flight to Fort Meyers, Florida to surprise my Mom for her 82nd birthday. She and my Dad were wintering in a small town about 25 miles south of the Fort Myers airport and neither of them had any idea I was coming for a three day visit. I had considered telling my Dad about the surprise and asking him to pick me up at the airport, but ultimately decided to keep quiet and take a taxi instead. I asked the taxi driver to drop me off a few blocks from my parent’s trailer and then leisurely walked up to their door and knocked. Needless to say, they were completely surprised and rather speechless at first. My Mom LOVED it. The joy on her face was completely worth the cost of the flight, the travel time and all the scheduling arrangements I had to make back in Iowa to make the Florida trip possible.
This surprise for my Mom had nothing to do with me trying to earn her love, acceptance or approval. I didn’t choose to go because I felt it was expected of me. I wasn’t motivated by guilt or by a sense of duty or obligation. I simply wanted to make my Mom happy. I chose to surprise her in Florida because I wanted her to feel loved, special and blessed on her special day. In a healthy sense, I wanted to PLEASE her.
Here are some questions that can help you determine whether your people-pleasing behavior is at its best:
Do you avoid any direct communication that could create conflict?
Do you set aside your own needs in order to accommodate others?
Do you let others determine too much of your schedule and priorities?
Do you say yes when you want to say no?
Do you do things for others because you want them to like you?
Do you minimize or deny how you feel about things in order to comply with others?
Do you sideline your own interests to do what others want to do?
Do you feel responsible for the moods and behaviors of others?
Do you stay in jobs or relationships that are not healthy or safe for you?
Do you overlook the poor choices of others for the sake of getting along?
Do you often overcommit and overpromise?
Does it seem as though your world is full of requirements and duties?
Do you think that others will accept you only as long as you conform to their ways?
Are you often motivated by guilt?
Do you enable others to continue in selfish or disrespectful behavior?
Do you show disrespect for yourself by allowing others to disrespect you?
The more frequently you answered “yes” to these questions, the more likely your people-pleasing behavior is unhealthy.
If you are interested in learning more about healthy people-pleasing behavior and what it means to live from a position of strength, here are some personal growth areas you may need to address:
LEARN TO KNOW YOUR OWN WORTH
LEARN TO IDENTIFY YOUR BOUNDARIES
LEARN TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF AND ONLY FOR YOURSELF
LEARN TO SAY NO WITH GRACE AND DIGNITY
Since old patterns and belief systems can be slow to change and since there is often resistance from others who want old patterns to continue, it is often helpful to find another person to accompany you on your personal growth journey. This person might be a friend, a coach, a therapist or someone else you trust.
Challenge: Think of an example from your life when your people-pleasing behavior was unhealthy. Then think of an example from your life when your people-pleasing behavior was healthy. What are the differences between your two examples? Imagine what more people-pleasing at its best would look like in your life!
So wise and helpful, thank you, dear Vicki,hoping always to live by people-pleasing behavior, you do it so naturally and freely, an inspiration to all of us. Thank you so much–Peace and blessings. Always, Doris