Receiving well is one of the greatest gifts we can give each other. It is a powerful-though often neglected-way of honoring another person. Yet most of us do better at giving well. We find it easier to give our love and support to others than to receive the love and support of others.
When I worked with dying patients and their families as medical social worker at Mercy Hospice-Johnston, this idea of honoring others by receiving well was a topic frequently discussed. As many of our dying patients experienced a gradual loss of their physical functions, they became increasingly dependent on the staff for activities of daily living such as bathing, feeding, or changing positions in the chair or bed. Many patients, especially those who had been givers all their lives, were challenged by the dependent position they found themselves in. Needing to receive so much was not easy. As a staff, we often told them how much it honored us to care for them, and about the specific ways they were “gifting us”. Looking back, I marvel at how gracious so many of them were, and how they were able to discover such a peaceful freedom in “letting go” and allowing themselves to be cared for. They were some of my greatest teachers about receiving well.
If receiving well is such a powerful way of honoring the giver, why are most of us such “terrible receivers”? There are a number of reasons I can think of:
- Receiving well requires us to challenge our beliefs. Most of us have been taught it is better to give than to receive, and many of us have come to believe that giving is right and receiving is wrong, that giving is strong and taking is weak.
- Receiving well requires us to let go of our need for control. Mary Saunders, a practitioner of Chinese medicine for over 20 years believes that our terror of the unknown is at the core of our resistance to receiving. “In our culture, we have no relationship with not-knowing. But not-knowing is the essence of receiving.”
- Receiving well requires humility.
- Receiving well requires vulnerability.
- Receiving well requires us to allow the other person to become part of our lives. As Henri Nouwen says, “It asks for the inner freedom to say: “Without you I wouldn’t be who I am”.
It can be uncomfortable and scary to challenge our beliefs, to let go of our need for control, to shed our pride, to be vulnerable, and to allow other people to become part of our lives. Receiving may be difficult, but if we don’t learn how to do it we’re going to miss out on a lot.
According to author Laura Doyle, without receiving we can’t really feel close to others. “When we receive a gift, help or compliment, we feel a connection to the giver, and they feel connected to us.”
Receiving affirms our interdependence and strengthens the human bonds we have with each other. In her book, The Power of Receiving, Amanda Owen poses the question: “Who is the Giver and who is the Receiver when we look at the relationship between a butterfly and a butterfly bush? They give to each other and receive from each other”. Receiving well is emotional reciprocity in its most elegant form.
Receiving can empower our contribution to the world: “Receiving heals us individually, and the gifts of that relationship can then be offered back to the community……We have to understand that receiving is a medicine designed to heal and strengthen us. Being seen, loved and appreciated are just a few of the gifts that one can receive in relationships.” (Sobonfu Some)
I especially love what Henri Nouwen has to say about the benefits of receiving: “By receiving we reveal to the givers that they have gifts to offer. When we say, “Thank you, you gave me hope; thank you, you gave me a reason to live; thank you allowed me to realize my dream,” we make givers aware of their unique and precious gifts. Sometimes it is only in the eyes of the receivers that givers discover their gifts.”
Here are three simple steps that can help us learn how to receive well:
Notice what people do for you and thank them. The simple expression of gratitude can mean a lot. Thank the grocery clerk for bagging and packing the groceries into your car on a cold day. Thank the volunteers along the race course while you are running a 5K. Thank the janitors for keeping your place of employment clean.
Honor people who give you gifts (even if you don’t like the gift). Don’t say “You shouldn’t have” or “You know you don’t have to do this.” Such comments are dismissive and may unintentionally deny others the pleasure of feeling valued or the joy of giving. Take the time to write thank you notes.
Accept compliments and praise graciously. Say “thank you” and if appropriate, think about telling something about the item being complimented. “This scarf is a birthday gift from my oldest daughter and it really means a lot to me.” Other ways of accepting compliments might be, “It’s so nice of you to notice”, or “How sweet of you to say that!” or “It’s great to hear such encouraging words.” Receiving something as simple as a compliment is a huge statement about your wiliness to receive.
When you practice receiving well, you create a life where people want to give to you as much as you give to them. You create a two-way street, giving sometimes and receiving at other times. You will be living this truth: “In giving we receive” AND “In receiving we give”.
Challenge: Ask yourself, “What about receiving well is most difficult for me? What are two steps I will take to grow my ability to receive well?
As always, Vicki’s amazing insight is a gift to her readers, and this is especially true of today’s blog. It has always been difficult for me to be a “receiver” rather than a “giver”, and this has helped me understand why is it true. I really appreciate it, thank you, dear Vicki. Doris