Compassion For Ourselves

The pictures I remember seeing of myself as a child are limited.  Yes, there were baby pictures of my siblings and me hanging in the house, but my parents stored most of their photos as slides which were packed into small cardboard boxes in the hallway closet. Upon occasion, my parents would use a slide-viewer or slide projector to view the slides with us kids, but  rarely did we get through all of them. When one of my brothers recently digitalized hundreds of my parent’s slides for a family reunion, I was surprised to see this picture show up on my computer. It was the first time I could ever remember seeing it, and I was struck by my immediate response.

I felt very drawn to the precious little girl I saw and found myself enjoying the delight she was obviously experiencing in this moment of curiosity, awe and wonder. I wanted to pick her up, hug her, and say, like I used to say to my own kids when they were little, “I love you so much I just want to eat you!”  I wanted to cherish her  and get to know her. I wanted to protect and relieve her of the pain that she, like all human beings, would encounter in her life. I felt deep compassion for her.

My heartfelt response to this picture felt familiar and strange at the same time. Familiar, because I often feel such compassion for others: my husband, my adult children,  my young grand-children, other family members, friends and clients. Strange though, because  I was feeling compassion towards myself.

Most of us are not used to relating to ourselves with the same love and compassion that we so easily feel for others. We find it much easier to be self-critical and harsh with ourselves.  We tell ourselves hurtful things like, ” You’re not smart enough, attractive enough, wealthy enough, experienced enough, old enough……..you’re not  enough!” Or, “You’re too introverted, too extroverted, too aggressive……..you’re too much!”  When we give ourselves messages like these, we cause ourselves to suffer.

Kristin Neff PH.D, author of Self-Compassion; Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind, uses  the term “self-compassion” to describe a way of relating to ourselves like we relate to our friends and loved ones.  Self-compassion, she says, is being tuned in to our own suffering (often the result of our own  self-judgement and criticism),  and offering a kind, caring compassionate response to ourselves when we suffer, fail or feel inadequate, instead of ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with criticism. According to Dr. Neff, compassion is being open-hearted to ourselves even when we’re having a difficult time or noticing something we don’t like about ourselves. It’s about taking time to stop and acknowledge that something in our lives is really hard, and then asking ourselves how we can care for and comfort ourselves in that moment. It’s about recognizing that suffering and imperfection are  part of the human experience, and that we’re all in this together. The practice of self-compassion, says Dr. Neff, can help us develop a healthy relationship with ourselves and can lead us to increased empathy and openness towards others.

How can you practice self-compassion in your life? Would it help to find a photo of yourself as a child and use it as a daily reminder to be kind to YOU?