Taking Appropriate Personal Responsibilty

When we’re clear on what we are responsible for and what we are not responsible for, we’re poised to take appropriate personal responsibility for our lives.

I often ask my clients to make two columns on a big piece of paper with these two headings: “What I Am Responsible For” and “What I Am Not Responsible For”. We brainstorm together and gradually fill in the columns with words or images that represent things happening in the client’s life. Over time, the same principle usually emerges:  Although each of us is responsible to the other people in our lives, the only person we are responsible for is ourselves–our own feelings (we can manage), our own attitudes (we can direct) and our own behaviors (we can choose).

When it comes to our own feelings, attitudes and behaviors, we always have a choice. When we focus our change efforts on these things we can control, we are taking appropriate personal responsibility for our lives. We will experience less stress, increased personal growth, and our relationships with others will benefit.

Unfortunately, most of us tend to exhaust our energies by needlessly focusing our change efforts on things we are not responsible for and cannot control:

• What happens to us
• The choices and behaviors of other people
• The outcomes of even our best efforts
• The past

When we over-focus at these things, we participate in a losing battle.

The work of John Gottman, relationship expert and best-selling author, can help keep our change efforts focused on what we have control over.  Gottman  has identified four toxic behaviors that are lethal to relationships. He calls them The Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse (a metaphor of the end of times in the New Testament):

Blame/Criticism

Defensiveness

Contempt

Stonewalling

As Gottman points out, these Four Horsemen are relationship killers at home, at work and in other areas of our lives. We can take appropriate personal responsibility by learning to identify and fight the Four Horsemen with their antidotes when they show up in our lives. We can do this regardless of what the other person does. This will make a difference in itself, because the horsemen have a hard time living alone!

Blame/Criticism

Criticism is attacking or blaming the person instead of the behavior. You will always have some complaints about others, but there is a big difference between a complaint and a criticism. A complaint addresses a specific failed action. A criticism attacks the character of the other person. For example, adding at the end of any complaint, “What is wrong with you?” will turn it into a criticism.

Antidotes:

1. Criticize the behavior, not the person
2. Complain without blame. Talk about your feelings using “I statements” and then express a positive need. What do you feel? What do you need? For example, instead of saying “You always talk about yourself, you are so selfish” (blame), say “I’m feeling left out by our talk tonight. Can we please talk about my day?”
3. Turn complaints into specific requests that could help solve the problem.
4. Don’t make the situation personal. Instead of “Who is doing what to whom?” focus on the changes you and the other person need to make to take care of the issue.
5. Look at your contribution to the problem even if the other person had a bigger contribution and what you can change about it regardless of what the other person does.
6. Apologize. Even if in your opinion you weren’t being critical, what counts is what the other person experienced.

 

Defensiveness

Defensiveness is refusing to own your own behavior. Although it’s understandable that you would defend yourself when criticized, defensiveness is really another way of blaming. It’s in effect saying “It’s not me, it’s you”, and it may escalate the conflict. Defensiveness usually contributes to and escalates the conflict.

Antidotes:

1. If you are feeling defensive, repeat what you heard and ask for clarification. For example, “I’m hearing you say I didn’t respect you. Can you clarify that?”
2. Accept responsibility, even if only for part of the conflict. Search for the 2% truth in what the other person is saying. For example, “It is true that I’m not always on time, and I can see how that would make you feel I don’t respect you.”

Contempt

Contempt includes sarcasm, belittling, cynicism, name-calling, hostile humor, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and belligerence. Contempt is the most poisonous of all the horsemen because it conveys disgust and condescension. Contempt is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about another person. In organizations, it is often conducted in secrecy…a practice some call “pot-stirring.” A person is more likely to have such thoughts if differences are not regularly resolved soon after they occur.

Antidotes:

1. Use sentences that start with “I feel” or “I want”.
2. Own your feeling of contempt and state how you would like it to be different. For example, “I am feeling contempt for you, I want to be able to respect and understand you.” Saying it this way has to do with yourself, not with what you want the other person to do.
3. Remember that respect is given, not earned. If you don’t respect someone, take this to be about your inability to see the greatness, creativity and resourcefulness that lives in that person (however hidden), not about the person’s lower value as a human being.
4. Stop any sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, belligerence, etc.
5. Take steps to build a culture of appreciation and respect.

 

Stonewalling

Stonewalling includes cutting off communication, silent treatment, refusal to engage, withdrawal, or being reluctant to express directly what you are thinking. After one or more of the previous horsemen have been running wild , a person may want to tune out and stonewall. Stonewalling, however, can lead to even more blame, defensiveness or contempt.

Antidotes:

1. Look at your fear of speaking. What is at stake for you?
2. Differentiate between fear and actual danger involved if you say something. If you believe there is actual danger involved, it may be useful to explain the reason for withholding the information.
3. What safety conditions can you design with the other person so you are better able to speak directly? Can you set a specific time to talk and meet at a neutral place?
4. If the other person is stonewalling you, take a look at what you might be doing to contribute to their sense of not feeling safe. Have you been judgmental in the past? Or dismissive?

 

 

Challenge: Identify which of the Four Horsemen is most active in your life and pick one or two of the antidotes that you think will work for you. Over the next few days,  manage this horseman whenever it shows up, by practicing the antidotes.

 

 

By Vicki Vanderkwaak on June 4, 2014   /   Coaching Relationship  

Tags: choosing behaviors, directing attitudes, Four Horsemen and their antidotes, managing feelings, taking appropriate personal responsibility