In the initial stages of grief, we often experience a wide array of physical and emotional effects. Then, as our grief subsides, we begin to recuperate from the pain and accept that we must somehow “get on with life”. This is when most of us are ready to begin remembering.
Taking steps to remember a loved one is an essential part of healing in the grief process. J William Worden, author, hospice pioneer and founding member of the Association of Death Education and Counseling (ADEC) tells us why:
“Death makes you feel out of control. Being proactive makes you feel stronger. Taking steps to remember leads to empowerment, and feeling empowered is absolutely essential for living a full, happy and loving life.”
“When we lose a loved one,” says Worden, “we need to take action.”
The steps you take to remember a loved one can be as varied as those you love. You can choose steps that are most comfortable for you, and know that whatever you choose will be right for you. The ideas below can help get you thinking ….. and remembering. It’s often helpful to start with something small and then move to something larger if you feel so moved.
- Frame a photo of your loved one
- Light a candle on a specific day and time, or anytime you feel the pull to remember
- Plant a tree or flowers in your garden in honor of your loved one
- Find a corner to display books or other small items that belonged to your loved one
- Display photos of your love done in a creative way, such as a shadow box where you can include small items with the photos
- Frame a cherished item that belonged to your loved one
- Throw a dinner party in honor of your loved one, serve their favorite foods and share stories
- Create a scrapbook of pictures, letter and other memorabilia that you can pull out anytime to remember and share
- Reach out on social media by posting pictures of your loved one on their birthday or the anniversary of their death
- Get a tattoo that symbolizes good memories of your loved one
- Make an annual donation to a charity that was meaningful to your loved one
- Connect with friends who you had in common with your loved one over coffee or lunch
- Transfer a picture, a favorite saying or a favorite recipe of your loved one onto a custom-made mug, plate or piece of jewelry
- For children, ask them to draw pictures of their favorite moments with the person and display these pictures in frames
- Hold a running race to raise money for a cause important to your loved one
My running coach, Mike, taught me almost everything I know about running. He helped me learn the art of challenging my body without overwhelming it. Mike was integral in my qualifying for and racing in the 2003 Boston Marathon.
Mike died of pancreatic cancer three years ago. Despite his fitness level, he died within weeks of his diagnosis. I’ll never forget how eerie it felt to see his name on the registration list for Living History Farms road race shortly after he died. He had signed up for the race unaware of his prognosis, and never made it to race day.
I remember Mike by tying my running shoes together with the shoestrings after every run. They remain neatly wrapped together like this, in honor of Mike, until its time for another run. Though this is a very simple step to remember my friend, I find the ritual rewarding as I think of his encouragement before and after every run. And just as Mike was very organized in his coaching, my shoes stay organized too!
If you are interested in looking for additional ways to honor and celebrate someone you never want to forget, Passed and Present by Allison Gilbert is an excellent resource. It is filled with imaginative and meaningful ideas to remember.
Taking steps to remember a loved one is a powerful and proactive way for you to participate in your own healing process.
Challenge:
Who has been an integral part of your life, someone you want to remember?
What is it about this person that makes you think of them?
How are you honoring them, or how do you want to honor them?
Are there any additional steps you want to take to remember them?
If you had no time or resources constraints, how would your remembering be different?
This is beautiful, Vicki, and so meaningful. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you, Christi!